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Reminiscent Grief: New Beginnings

The turbulence:
As I stood on a beautiful Florida beach under the sky-blue and the warming sun, serene waves lapping behind me, little did I know my life would soon pivot into life-threatened turbulence; the greatest storm I would ever face.

It’s been over three years since life changed forever; but the days and months leading up to becoming a widow, were a turbulent emotional whiplash of upheaval.
One might describe it as a vortex of struggle which sinks you in a whirlwind of despair – yet finding air to breathe. It seems an accurate picture.

Clocks can not be set to end grief matters. The painful healing of a newly-grieving heart; 1) acceptance and realization of loss, 2) the process of letting go, 3) the turn of events to move one forward culminate to heal the space of loss in the storm of death. It is the reality we all must painfully face in the journey towards the healing heart.

Emotional Upheaval:
There were a wide range of emotions: moments of deep despair and then by miraculous intervention, a calming peace would be welcomed. When I felt myself sinking, faith reached up to touch heaven with prayer for help to simply survive. It was the strong sense of God’s power, stronger then the unending storm, which drew me to safety. It happened time and time again.

Our journey was a long illness that first launched us through gentle lapping water and quiet moments of renewal. There were small storms with treatment and healing.

Yet, our journey ended in that final thrust of sail through the narrow waters leading to the light of eternal shore.

And there we were: the final separation: life’s ending destination for every member in the human race: a release of suffering replaced by quiet peace.

The Painful Healing:
Communication with your loved one is perhaps the greatest lost of all – the sharing of ideas, the hearing laughter, the for-ever loss of voice is perhaps the most painful.

I remember well this particularly jarring reality. It was only days after my husband passed away after a long battle with cancer. . .

I had begun to work through the first tasks of practical changes and within days I decided to change from a flip phone to an iPhone. I needed to change his cell phone information to mine and a visit to the cell service store was needed.

It was a difficult acceptance: I never would hear his voice again – from that phone, or any other phone. It was a longing that only slowly dissipates with time.

I quietly spoke to the pleasant young man who helped me trying not to bring attention to my grief, but I was convinced my teary-eyes revealed my pain. Not far away was a man shopping too. I was uneasy, anxious whether my emotions would unravel in front of nearby shoppers. And they did some moments later when he spoke of his loss of spouse too.

How could two grieving spouses be facing this sad moment standing so near one another? I couldn’t look up in case there would be the awkward meeting of “knowing eyes.” That unforgettable moment seemed double the unbearable sadness.

It was far more intense than simply retrieving cell phone contact lists and changing my cell phone to his… I can only now analyze.

It was the jarring acceptance of the finality of separation. It was the beginning of separation anxiety for a voice I recognized, loved and longed for to return. It was the realization of the forever loss of our years of communication. A forever loss of closeness… Forever has no end.

It was having to say those very first painful words, “I just lost my husband.” The stark reality of being a widow pained immensely in that Verizon Service Center: I just wanted to run out the door and keep on running. I now know it is okay to feel such pain and yet survive.

Transitional effort:
The effort of the journey is real but the ultimate transition to new beginnings must come. Courage is found with needed moments of pause. It is our choice to stop and rest and recharge in the transition.

Overcoming obstacles are always part of the healing journey. Faith to overcome is the key to remaining positive in the process of growth. We can’t be passive in the process or we will be overwhelmed by difficulties. It helps when friends and family share in your journey.

Self Discovery
Perhaps the true measure of success comes in the ability to discover oneself while also learning to function day to day.

It is the reevaluation of priorities because transition is the shake up (shake-down) of importance: the earthquake of change never seems to stop in life. It is clearing the painful aftermath that is of importance and it takes time and brave strength to sort the rubble.

Functioning as a Single
Questions of how we functioned in the past, our change to fully function in the present and our need to reach beyond into the new future: these stark realities and many more are always being questioned.

Time passes and new beginnings appear and they are hardly recognizable. The acceptance of a new role becomes evident and life carries one forward. It is an unforgettable journey.

The pain of change becomes less because we simply become better at it,” said one fellow widow.

It certainly became easier for me as aloneness changed into new confidence and the process of good decision-making was renewed. One hopes.

And soon new beginnings appear on the horizon. The light travels quickly – as any new dawn unfolds and with it comes the renewed focus of new opportunities. Thankfully, we become fully alive again; free from the unending pain of grief to explore life with all its possibilities. With these changes comes new challenges and the desire to make life worth living fresh and new each day. A future lies before us. It finally comes as grief subsides.

Explore we must in the overall plan and cycle of life. It is all part of the substance of life’s journey. We learn to simply become better at recovering and redefining identity. Hopefully too, we learn the true meaning of fully living life well, full of calm delight.

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Holding My Father’s Hand: Review of a Father’s Day Note 

One of my fondest memories of childhood is holding my Fathers hand. His was a unique hand – large and remarkable. An outdoor accident at three years old -a wood chopping chore turned tragic, had mistakenly caught my Father’s “pointy-finger” and took it completely off. This left a space gap between his thumb and his three remaining fingers. To me his three-fingered hand seemed normal-just right for me as a young child to grasp while crossing the street.

My father was a strong-sized man, tall and muscular from a lifetime of physical labor. He wore bib-overall work clothes Monday through Friday. They hung on a peg by the backdoor for an easy on in the morning and off again at the end of his work day. Those overalls represented his hard labor as a railroad man. After forty-five years, he stopped wearing them and retired from the Union Pacific Railroad. His example of perseverance and hard-work ethic was my role model of strength for life.

We were not particularly a “social family.” We mainly spent time at home. But we often sat together watching TV, or fun movies late at night. During winter we would eat popcorn or Halloween-sized candy bars. Our favorite was Butter Fingers. We could eat an entire package, unwrapping and nibbling the small bars, piece by piece while watching an old movie. This was our special time – he and I – sitting together. I loved to be with him holding his strong hands, eating our favorite treats and then holding hands again. It was his quiet strength I needed.

I was his fourth girl. he may have secretly wanted a boy, but I never felt any disappointment with my gender. He called me “Jimmy” when I was really young, but that didn’t last long. His presence reassured me of being well-loved and respected as his youngest daughter. He always told me how proud he was of me and my achievements growing up.

Dad played the piano as best he could with nine fingers. (I wonder how did he do it?) I remember some songs he beat out on the old piano on rare occasions. He sang nicely, but kept his voice hidden in public. He whistled instead; I often heard it coming from a remote part of the house. When he was tinkering in the basement he could really cut loose. I am not sure he cared we were listening from the kitchen or bedrooms. It brightened the day.
Stories were told of his musical family – three boys singing in the Vaudeville era. . I was told my deceased grandmother was a piano teacher. I wished I had known her.
I appreciated the freedom I had as a child. It was a fun childhood with freedom to explore, make many friends and discover my gifts and talents as well. Dad was there to answer my questions and sacrifice to give me opportunities to grow.
I married and he imparted those same qualities as a Grandfather to my two children. They loved him and experienced his support while growing into young adults. He took great pride in their gifts and talents as well. He loved all his grandchildren just the same. And they loved him.
He has been gone now nearly twenty years.We miss him but not only at Father’s Day. We remember him endearingly   throughout the seasons of our life. Most of his grandchildren have married and their children would love him dearly now.

We wish he could be here to pass his wisdom to this next generation. His was the kind of “worldly wisdom” given. He would speak his mind in every conversation. We loved him for his fairness and unconditional acceptance.

As an adult, I have found my Heavenly Father God to be a continual presence in my life – like my real father. LIfe’s happenings, no matter how difficult they may become, turns me to the heart of my Heavenly Abba Father for advice and strength. He reassures  me his presence is with me. Experiencing that truth brings me childlike freedom every day.

 

“Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found. . I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments,” says Psalm 119:35,45

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Change:Unexpected Consequences

It was an epic day when my late husband announced with the shocking question,” I have a career offer in Europe to work for a minimum of eighteen months?” “What do you think?” It all seemed surprisingly impossible, but within six weeks our home and two cars sold and we were soon on our way.

All we knew of our changing future was that a military contract had been secured and a job promotion awaited for my husband. Where we would live and everything beyond was a BIG question mark? It turned out to be the best (nine-year) unexpected, career pathway and decision of our marriage.

Painful good byes were said to our family and friends. Finally, we turned away from our known life, and gathered our young daughter to boarded a flight. It was the beginning adventure to many happy life experiences and a home near Oxford, England.

Fast forward: our extended 9-year European stay ended and we returned to The States. After a three year career assignment in the Washington D C area, we faced another career and location move decision. This move took much more consideration, especially for the welfare of our now two children, one in High School, one in 4th grade. They weren’t so keen on “moving again?” It also meant leaving the security of a 17-year career with the same company.

We moved. We expected life to continue to prosper. But this transition turned disastrous as we started to settle into a promising job and another location. Without notice, my husband lost his position with a restructuring event in the new company, one that we later suspected being negotiated before he was even hired. It was a salary budget restructure.

Although we could not prove it, his salary was added in the yearly budget before he was hired, and then his position eliminated shortly afterwards with the salary cost padded into the restructure. It was something I would become more familiar with in my future career in Human Resources.

This rocked our new world. We were thrown into a new reality. It was a crippling series of unexpected, domino events that left us unemployed for the first time in our entire marriage; losing our house contract, homeless for a short while and shaken to the bitter core.

What makes two similar events of relocation, change life so unexpectedly, and result in such contrasted outcomes? It’s my question even to this day. One thing is certain; when faced with disappointing outcomes and shaken to the core, important decisions soon follow.

The toughest choice to settle is whether one is determined to accept life as it now is, regardless of the pending difficult outcomes. In our instance, because of unsuspecting betrayal, we needed this strong determination. How were we to work through the process of confusion of losses and learn our own personal lessons came next. Later, we had the choice to gradually be willing to let it all go; or remain stuck, wounded and bitter. It was a painful grieving process of losses and gains. It wasn’t easy.

The recovery process – to rebuild confidence in our decision-making abilities and deal with betrayal – taught us not to presume life will always be prosperous. It taught us to deal with life-altering disappointment and periods of brief depression. It warned us of our vulnerability and whether we would ever risk again.. We received wisdom to regain our equilibrium and walk through the many lessons learned. And more importantly, we turned in prayer and faith for unanswered questions in the process of recovery.

The late Mary Tyler Moore said it best: “Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” 

Certainly, we hope for the best outcomes in choices, but there are no guarantees we won’t fail, or face unknown challenges. Adversity builds bravery by hardening us to difficulties. It equips us to face other difficult circumstances in the future.

Unemployment is devastating to everyone who lives with the consequences. It immediately throws one into a power-punch of insecurity and fear. The knock-down effect is real and a knock-out punch may take even longer to recover. Standing confidently tall again, is a real gain.

Comparing all of life from our limited vantage point dims an accurate view of the real world. It takes growth and authenticity to see our blind spots and work to overcome them. Humility is a great teacher in this regard. It brings us to a bowing posture with the need to look outside of our self reliance.

How easily we accumulate judgements based solely by our limited experiences. How easy to make judgements on others when we have no idea their life journey. Adversity breaks down our willful pride and cautions us to be willing to look inside. Examining the chapters of our own story gives greater insight with the context of the story of others.

Empathy should transcend beyond our personal experience because of the very basis of its meaning. We become more patient especially when we connect with others and “walk a mile in their shoes.” If we allow it, compassion can be a positive outcome in the process of adversity.

Connective understanding gives space for growth in accepting different ideas, approaches to problem-solving and time for restructuring life. Empathy is beneficial to us all. It expands our understanding, stretching us beyond our limitations.

Life is not a test…Oh really?
Adversity is the university we all attend
It tests ideas of how life is
Restructures will and mind to bend.

Be more nimble with adventure
Not hold back because of fear
Tests will come to everyone
Keep looking forward, not the rear.

Attitudes and judgement hang-ups
Entangle us to hardened hearts.
ingrained judgements must be broken
Breakout from a prison dark.

As speed of change increases
Challenging ways of doing things.
Perhaps it is not so destructive
When we embrace the need to change.
Written by Judy Cline

 

 

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Grief:Generosity:The Spirit of Christmas

We all grieve at times during the Christmas season because of separation from friends, or loss of family loved ones. It seems more intense during this season of nostalgia. Often it results in altering personal holiday traditions; or sometimes, they are simply ignored in grief and lost forever.

Honoring celebrations are an important way of healing. We can all help reduce the pain by reaching out and giving what matters most…acceptance, love and friendship!

My friend Susan wrote an excerpt of her help as a caregiver that is inspirational:

“I work for Home Instead Senior Care as a Care Giver in St. Augustine FL. Two of my clients are so very opposite yet similar. Both have lost their loved one. Mr.T’s wife died 12 years ago and he can’t quite get over it. I have tried to “Christmasfy” his house and he said “No, just can’t do it.” Then one day I noticed he was playing Christmas songs on his computer….next day a wooden Rudolf is peaking out of his bushes…the following day 2 beautiful wreaths of red berries were hanging on the garage door lights on both sides. I said how pretty it looked and he replied, “It does look nice doesn’t it”. He is legally blind.

The other one, Miss M’s husband died and she said he was a Christmas junkie. When she spoke of him she sounded so sad and she said Christmas depressed her. I simply told her that maybe she could think of Christmas as a dedication to her deceased husband. As we decorated the tree, which was the first tree in 3 years in that house, she said “This one is for you Mr. P” Tears came to my eyes.

Now her house is decorated beautifully with bits of old and new pieces for Christmas. We have started to make ginger cookies and look through the cook books every day now. She even has lights outside of her house. She could not wait for her daughter to see what “we” did. She totally has pride in all we do and have done. She has Dementia, and everyday it is a new experience.

I guess what I am trying to say is let them mourn their loved ones but try to turn it into something good. I am just as thrilled to see them every time I go to their house as they are to see me walk through the door. A good hug can last for 3 days! Merry Christmas ~ and a healthy New Year!

Hospitality displays an open gate of welcome, it is a greeting, it extends a warm and inviting heart. It is an act of sharing our love and traditions.

The joy of Christmas: add the fun of family and friends to share in holiday activities, and it is all that is needed to make this season and every tradition, a remembrance of love and understanding.

Let this year be one of reaching out – if not by sharing in personal tradition, let it be by generosity – the generosity of spirit that is so needed in our broken and weary world.

There are many needs around us. Lend a helping hand, share a smile of acknowledgment, or give a needed hug. We all need to give. We also need to receive. It often is the small acts of random kindness that keeps our lives balanced and renews hope.

Generosity softens the hardness of life. It generates acts of love and extends our selves to others. It heals us, those discouraged and the broken-hearted. It empowers us to care for one another during the worst periods in loss.

What matters most is we all have the power to give. Love restores the grieving to life-giving strength. We all need strength to face the demands of unknown tomorrows. The outcome of generosity is the giving of hope, hope for a better future, hope to find peace and love.

The Christmas message has always been about giving. “God so loved the World that He GAVE his only begotten son.” His gift to the world has changed lives and guided believers for generations. Jesus has always been about giving life, imparting a life-giving relationship of acceptance, love and eternal hope. True Christian faith displays all that and more.

Let us not only learn to give more generously of ourselves, but also learn to receive the generosity of others. It may be that needed special hug that lasts for three days!

 

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A Shift in Perspective: Grace for the Change

Many are in disbelief, fearful of the future, and shocked by the outcome of the election. We feel the earthquake of social disorder, the groundswell of dismay, anger, and unreasonable violence. Deep divisions and shock waves of sudden backlash seek to uproot us. It all crashes into painfully raw, intense, disarray. What remains is chaotic, rolling emotions. Some seek to stand on a solid rock above the destructive fray.

Why did the election results produce such hateful speech in so many ~ spew itself in all directions ~  blasts in the very face of our nation and at such great speed? Many would say President elect Trump ran his campaign entirely with rants, with over-the-top rhetoric. He led the charge. Many of his allies could not condone his behavior. Rants came from all sides in a fiercely fought campaign.

The intense verbal reactions on both sides raised to a new level of hatred and near anarchy since the winning call. Emotions run high. Fear overpowers. The worst in us becomes unhinged when contempt and fear takes us down. The greater potential landslide of fear may be more destructive, if we allow it to rule.

Perhaps fears’ final strike came with the realization of the consequence of crumbling ideals, those beliefs we cling to, those treasured hopes in a world we build around us. What was held as belief did not hold together in the end. No one likes to get it wrong.

Someone said,”We don’t see the world as it is, we see the world the way we are.”

We establish our own limited world. The way we see this world is the way we see reality. This identity is driven by our deep-seeded perceptions that in turn drive our beliefs and behaviors. This gives way to living with our blind sights. And we express those ” hallowed” perceptions through our communications.

Change is extremely difficult when it comes as an unexpected side-winder. That is how the election news assaulted the most unsuspected Hillary Clinton supporters.  But the stunned reality that followed with accusations of blame, judgements and negative assumptions, surely have not calmed the frenzy.

When we ignore the questioning signs of truth our pride sets us up for painful falls.  When we accept what we hear and not search out reasoning truth we are more likely to believe false statements and lies; therefore, assume false judgements of one another. We all are guilty of these perceptions.

” Perhaps the worst aspects of political fear is that fear is greater than our differences,” Lori Phister. 

 

” Many have never experienced the devastation of experienced racism, sexism or xenophobia in life, wrote one FB writer: And  until you do experience some form of discrimination, you will never truly know how painful Trump’s campaign has been for those belonging to minority groups.”

I get this. Many in our country have lived with deeply painful experiences not properly healed. But to heal a nation, we must come to terms with our own prejudices, our own bigotry, and not solely lay the blame of such experiences entirely on any one person, race, color, sex, or voting block.

We all have a need to go deeper in owning our biases to rid hateful cause and effects. Try we must. We can’t give up efforts to bridge the gaps. Often problems arise when the fragile bridges we begin to build, are blown up by our own insensitivity and destructive weapons of behaviors. What work we have ahead in the areas of political, cultural and religious differences. We need new models of the restorative process.

A rare time we live in today, where examination of the heart and soul of our country is desperately needed. Renewed hope and efforts will require changed thinking. Likewise, hardened hearts to open and expand. It is not about tolerance ~ it is about grace and understanding ~ it comes in talking and not shouting. Listening helps us find initiative to work together. Forgiveness makes it possible.

Such a time is now when recent, painful experiences have grown intolerable. We are ripe to acknowledged our personal demise of unhealthy perceptions. It is time to deal with deep insecurities and fear of the future and look beyond the difficulties of our past. A tipping point of healing in this country could be within our reach of disheartened, weak and weary hands. Can we concentrate on repairing our own brokenness in the process of refocus? Governments can not supply the happiness of our future.

I liked how Jane Colton, resolved her own intense feelings after the election:

” I was horrified, angry, and then I sobbed. Out of those human emotions came a shift in my perspective. I just suddenly knew what I had to do. I have to be part of the solution. I have to allow everyone, including Donald Trump, to grow and change in an instant. I need to find forgiveness and replace my horror with love. If ever we needed to love each other, now is the time. Even as I continue to have a range of feelings about this, Grace found me last night, it won’t let go, and it is stronger than fear.”

May grace come to us in this great time of need and release our nation from debilitating fear. And release us from such turmoil.  May grace never let go!

Written by Judy Cline 11/14/2016