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Reminiscent Grief: New Beginnings

The turbulence:
As I stood on a beautiful Florida beach under the sky-blue and the warming sun, serene waves lapping behind me, little did I know my life would soon pivot into life-threatened turbulence; the greatest storm I would ever face.

It’s been over three years since life changed forever; but the days and months leading up to becoming a widow, were a turbulent emotional whiplash of upheaval.
One might describe it as a vortex of struggle which sinks you in a whirlwind of despair – yet finding air to breathe. It seems an accurate picture.

Clocks can not be set to end grief matters. The painful healing of a newly-grieving heart; 1) acceptance and realization of loss, 2) the process of letting go, 3) the turn of events to move one forward culminate to heal the space of loss in the storm of death. It is the reality we all must painfully face in the journey towards the healing heart.

Emotional Upheaval:
There were a wide range of emotions: moments of deep despair and then by miraculous intervention, a calming peace would be welcomed. When I felt myself sinking, faith reached up to touch heaven with prayer for help to simply survive. It was the strong sense of God’s power, stronger then the unending storm, which drew me to safety. It happened time and time again.

Our journey was a long illness that first launched us through gentle lapping water and quiet moments of renewal. There were small storms with treatment and healing.

Yet, our journey ended in that final thrust of sail through the narrow waters leading to the light of eternal shore.

And there we were: the final separation: life’s ending destination for every member in the human race: a release of suffering replaced by quiet peace.

The Painful Healing:
Communication with your loved one is perhaps the greatest lost of all – the sharing of ideas, the hearing laughter, the for-ever loss of voice is perhaps the most painful.

I remember well this particularly jarring reality. It was only days after my husband passed away after a long battle with cancer. . .

I had begun to work through the first tasks of practical changes and within days I decided to change from a flip phone to an iPhone. I needed to change his cell phone information to mine and a visit to the cell service store was needed.

It was a difficult acceptance: I never would hear his voice again – from that phone, or any other phone. It was a longing that only slowly dissipates with time.

I quietly spoke to the pleasant young man who helped me trying not to bring attention to my grief, but I was convinced my teary-eyes revealed my pain. Not far away was a man shopping too. I was uneasy, anxious whether my emotions would unravel in front of nearby shoppers. And they did some moments later when he spoke of his loss of spouse too.

How could two grieving spouses be facing this sad moment standing so near one another? I couldn’t look up in case there would be the awkward meeting of “knowing eyes.” That unforgettable moment seemed double the unbearable sadness.

It was far more intense than simply retrieving cell phone contact lists and changing my cell phone to his… I can only now analyze.

It was the jarring acceptance of the finality of separation. It was the beginning of separation anxiety for a voice I recognized, loved and longed for to return. It was the realization of the forever loss of our years of communication. A forever loss of closeness… Forever has no end.

It was having to say those very first painful words, “I just lost my husband.” The stark reality of being a widow pained immensely in that Verizon Service Center: I just wanted to run out the door and keep on running. I now know it is okay to feel such pain and yet survive.

Transitional effort:
The effort of the journey is real but the ultimate transition to new beginnings must come. Courage is found with needed moments of pause. It is our choice to stop and rest and recharge in the transition.

Overcoming obstacles are always part of the healing journey. Faith to overcome is the key to remaining positive in the process of growth. We can’t be passive in the process or we will be overwhelmed by difficulties. It helps when friends and family share in your journey.

Self Discovery
Perhaps the true measure of success comes in the ability to discover oneself while also learning to function day to day.

It is the reevaluation of priorities because transition is the shake up (shake-down) of importance: the earthquake of change never seems to stop in life. It is clearing the painful aftermath that is of importance and it takes time and brave strength to sort the rubble.

Functioning as a Single
Questions of how we functioned in the past, our change to fully function in the present and our need to reach beyond into the new future: these stark realities and many more are always being questioned.

Time passes and new beginnings appear and they are hardly recognizable. The acceptance of a new role becomes evident and life carries one forward. It is an unforgettable journey.

The pain of change becomes less because we simply become better at it,” said one fellow widow.

It certainly became easier for me as aloneness changed into new confidence and the process of good decision-making was renewed. One hopes.

And soon new beginnings appear on the horizon. The light travels quickly – as any new dawn unfolds and with it comes the renewed focus of new opportunities. Thankfully, we become fully alive again; free from the unending pain of grief to explore life with all its possibilities. With these changes comes new challenges and the desire to make life worth living fresh and new each day. A future lies before us. It finally comes as grief subsides.

Explore we must in the overall plan and cycle of life. It is all part of the substance of life’s journey. We learn to simply become better at recovering and redefining identity. Hopefully too, we learn the true meaning of fully living life well, full of calm delight.

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Holding My Father’s Hand: Review of a Father’s Day Note 

One of my fondest memories of childhood is holding my Fathers hand. His was a unique hand – large and remarkable. An outdoor accident at three years old -a wood chopping chore turned tragic, had mistakenly caught my Father’s “pointy-finger” and took it completely off. This left a space gap between his thumb and his three remaining fingers. To me his three-fingered hand seemed normal-just right for me as a young child to grasp while crossing the street.

My father was a strong-sized man, tall and muscular from a lifetime of physical labor. He wore bib-overall work clothes Monday through Friday. They hung on a peg by the backdoor for an easy on in the morning and off again at the end of his work day. Those overalls represented his hard labor as a railroad man. After forty-five years, he stopped wearing them and retired from the Union Pacific Railroad. His example of perseverance and hard-work ethic was my role model of strength for life.

We were not particularly a “social family.” We mainly spent time at home. But we often sat together watching TV, or fun movies late at night. During winter we would eat popcorn or Halloween-sized candy bars. Our favorite was Butter Fingers. We could eat an entire package, unwrapping and nibbling the small bars, piece by piece while watching an old movie. This was our special time – he and I – sitting together. I loved to be with him holding his strong hands, eating our favorite treats and then holding hands again. It was his quiet strength I needed.

I was his fourth girl. he may have secretly wanted a boy, but I never felt any disappointment with my gender. He called me “Jimmy” when I was really young, but that didn’t last long. His presence reassured me of being well-loved and respected as his youngest daughter. He always told me how proud he was of me and my achievements growing up.

Dad played the piano as best he could with nine fingers. (I wonder how did he do it?) I remember some songs he beat out on the old piano on rare occasions. He sang nicely, but kept his voice hidden in public. He whistled instead; I often heard it coming from a remote part of the house. When he was tinkering in the basement he could really cut loose. I am not sure he cared we were listening from the kitchen or bedrooms. It brightened the day.
Stories were told of his musical family – three boys singing in the Vaudeville era. . I was told my deceased grandmother was a piano teacher. I wished I had known her.
I appreciated the freedom I had as a child. It was a fun childhood with freedom to explore, make many friends and discover my gifts and talents as well. Dad was there to answer my questions and sacrifice to give me opportunities to grow.
I married and he imparted those same qualities as a Grandfather to my two children. They loved him and experienced his support while growing into young adults. He took great pride in their gifts and talents as well. He loved all his grandchildren just the same. And they loved him.
He has been gone now nearly twenty years.We miss him but not only at Father’s Day. We remember him endearingly   throughout the seasons of our life. Most of his grandchildren have married and their children would love him dearly now.

We wish he could be here to pass his wisdom to this next generation. His was the kind of “worldly wisdom” given. He would speak his mind in every conversation. We loved him for his fairness and unconditional acceptance.

As an adult, I have found my Heavenly Father God to be a continual presence in my life – like my real father. LIfe’s happenings, no matter how difficult they may become, turns me to the heart of my Heavenly Abba Father for advice and strength. He reassures  me his presence is with me. Experiencing that truth brings me childlike freedom every day.

 

“Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found. . I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments,” says Psalm 119:35,45

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Misplaced Hope: The Fall of Expectation

We are a nation, a people who have wrapped ourselves in labels of race, gender, life styles and social classes. Such labels are not comprehensive; they often cloak our true identity and lack any depth of realized character. Ultimately, authentic truth reveals the nakedness of the human soul.

When we build our hope on the infrastructure of systems, ( an ordered and comprehensive assemblage of facts, principles, doctrines, or the like in a particular field of knowledge or thought,) whether they be political, racial, gender or our self-elevated belief systems, our emotions run high. Judgements are made and often; reason is dangerously overruled.

We risk falling from a high rise of unrealistic expectations. People lifted to an unreasonable platform of idealism whether by beauty, talent, or gifting is always dangerous. This elevation lacks any real, authentic or lasting dignity.

The same with institutions we hold with undue importance. We soon find the scaffolding that holds our unreal expectation comes crashing down in disappointment because it can not bear the unbalanced load. We are left injured in the chaotic mayhem.

Perhaps one issue to consider is the hidden war within ourselves. Often we are at war within ourselves and we may blame others in our battles. For instance, replacement, or blame of government to soothe our emotional injuries, to calm our fears, to use as an endorsement for our way of thinking, has its dangers. When we look to government to approve and legitimatize ideology or social concerns, it rarely ever holds us secure in the long run.

We never rise to the level of our full and greatest potential when we become overly dependent on people: place: things. Misplaced hope crashes down in the ultimate giving of such power to man. He/she/they will always fail in some aspects to meet our expectations.

Disillusionment ultimately happens: we are left bleeding when institutions collapse before our eyes, leaving us hopeless in our great aspirations of personal gain. How will we survive without our false security holding us up in a world that crashes down? Total rejection of the type of system/ institution seems the only way to heal our wounds.

Entrusted hope is painfully buried, crumbled with each angry disappointment. This scenario is the legitimate view of many with the outcome of the election ~ the ushering in of a flood of unbearable consequences. It is the view life itself will end in the process of this collapse and a way of escape is urgently needed.

Perhaps we need to evaluate the importance we place in government and the power we give to leadership to run it. Institutions such as government, are meant to help equip us to lead free and productive lives.

But rather, it often becomes a misplaced importance in life. We dangerously surrender to its magnitude. Our surrender to this elevation, to a type of idolatry, leads to loyalty to a political system without questioning the balance of facts and truth and demanding personal accountability. A free fall is bound to happen.

Such devotion shackles us to blindness and ultimately to deception. No one is exempt from wearing rose-colored glasses. Fair-mindedness, intellectual research, critical thinking and personal responsibility are laid aside for a type of political religion instead of the true worship of God. Power to rule, rather than delegated authority to lead and serve ultimately takes over.

We are forewarned of a real war within ourselves when “evil becomes good and good evil.” It is the battle of all ages. The switch from a God inspired identity of life to find purpose and meaning is disregarded; and instead, we accept an entirely trendy, post modern ideal of individualism when absolutes of truth are rejected and new standards of amorality are established by the powerful. Man is replaced as God to determine what is right and wrong.

What now is stressed is the individual’s unique position: a self-determining agent responsible for the authenticity of his or her choices.
This is the norm of exitistentialism.

The ultimate battle of our soul is rooted in the replacement of God. It happens by the slow increase of importance we give to such priorities as intellect, education, government, entertainment; or the pursuit of gaining status, money and power.

Life is soon filled with our elevated choice and privileges, our own pursuits of needs and pleasures; priorities of others, or people not so enlightened, are therefore discarded and disdained. The ugly shame/blame occurs and polarization, the gulf of division, grows wider. It is the clutch of recent reality.

Have we lost our focus? The desire to seek after a life of inspiration, of generosity; as well as opportunity, which has always been important to the American dream. It is time for a reset , if this focus is to survive.

In our past, we chose to make life better, not solely for our personal family and interests but also extended care for the down-trodden and needy. We strived to help lift up one another, to make our communities stronger and safer for all families. Will that end in our selfish ambition to gain more money and power. I hope not.

Faith finds the source for the most important and peaceful means of power.
The untapped love and power to do good in all of us is what needs to be transferred to our hurting world, not the transfer of power from us into the hands of government to do good.

Will we look to a failing government to supply our security, or support our affirmation of identity? Will it be to continue our own selfishness, our views and opinions duly stated, or God’s grace to awaken us to new possibilities? We are so ready for heart discovery; but will we pause in reflection and make needed changes, or selfishly respond to live the same? Let’s pray not.

A great awakening is coming. Let it be a spiritual one ~ a call to reset new priorities, generosity and motivational love in action. This higher purpose is what America is called to fulfill.

Photo courtesy:Hector Moro

 

 

 

 

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A Shift in Perspective: Grace for the Change

Many are in disbelief, fearful of the future, and shocked by the outcome of the election. We feel the earthquake of social disorder, the groundswell of dismay, anger, and unreasonable violence. Deep divisions and shock waves of sudden backlash seek to uproot us. It all crashes into painfully raw, intense, disarray. What remains is chaotic, rolling emotions. Some seek to stand on a solid rock above the destructive fray.

Why did the election results produce such hateful speech in so many ~ spew itself in all directions ~  blasts in the very face of our nation and at such great speed? Many would say President elect Trump ran his campaign entirely with rants, with over-the-top rhetoric. He led the charge. Many of his allies could not condone his behavior. Rants came from all sides in a fiercely fought campaign.

The intense verbal reactions on both sides raised to a new level of hatred and near anarchy since the winning call. Emotions run high. Fear overpowers. The worst in us becomes unhinged when contempt and fear takes us down. The greater potential landslide of fear may be more destructive, if we allow it to rule.

Perhaps fears’ final strike came with the realization of the consequence of crumbling ideals, those beliefs we cling to, those treasured hopes in a world we build around us. What was held as belief did not hold together in the end. No one likes to get it wrong.

Someone said,”We don’t see the world as it is, we see the world the way we are.”

We establish our own limited world. The way we see this world is the way we see reality. This identity is driven by our deep-seeded perceptions that in turn drive our beliefs and behaviors. This gives way to living with our blind sights. And we express those ” hallowed” perceptions through our communications.

Change is extremely difficult when it comes as an unexpected side-winder. That is how the election news assaulted the most unsuspected Hillary Clinton supporters.  But the stunned reality that followed with accusations of blame, judgements and negative assumptions, surely have not calmed the frenzy.

When we ignore the questioning signs of truth our pride sets us up for painful falls.  When we accept what we hear and not search out reasoning truth we are more likely to believe false statements and lies; therefore, assume false judgements of one another. We all are guilty of these perceptions.

” Perhaps the worst aspects of political fear is that fear is greater than our differences,” Lori Phister. 

 

” Many have never experienced the devastation of experienced racism, sexism or xenophobia in life, wrote one FB writer: And  until you do experience some form of discrimination, you will never truly know how painful Trump’s campaign has been for those belonging to minority groups.”

I get this. Many in our country have lived with deeply painful experiences not properly healed. But to heal a nation, we must come to terms with our own prejudices, our own bigotry, and not solely lay the blame of such experiences entirely on any one person, race, color, sex, or voting block.

We all have a need to go deeper in owning our biases to rid hateful cause and effects. Try we must. We can’t give up efforts to bridge the gaps. Often problems arise when the fragile bridges we begin to build, are blown up by our own insensitivity and destructive weapons of behaviors. What work we have ahead in the areas of political, cultural and religious differences. We need new models of the restorative process.

A rare time we live in today, where examination of the heart and soul of our country is desperately needed. Renewed hope and efforts will require changed thinking. Likewise, hardened hearts to open and expand. It is not about tolerance ~ it is about grace and understanding ~ it comes in talking and not shouting. Listening helps us find initiative to work together. Forgiveness makes it possible.

Such a time is now when recent, painful experiences have grown intolerable. We are ripe to acknowledged our personal demise of unhealthy perceptions. It is time to deal with deep insecurities and fear of the future and look beyond the difficulties of our past. A tipping point of healing in this country could be within our reach of disheartened, weak and weary hands. Can we concentrate on repairing our own brokenness in the process of refocus? Governments can not supply the happiness of our future.

I liked how Jane Colton, resolved her own intense feelings after the election:

” I was horrified, angry, and then I sobbed. Out of those human emotions came a shift in my perspective. I just suddenly knew what I had to do. I have to be part of the solution. I have to allow everyone, including Donald Trump, to grow and change in an instant. I need to find forgiveness and replace my horror with love. If ever we needed to love each other, now is the time. Even as I continue to have a range of feelings about this, Grace found me last night, it won’t let go, and it is stronger than fear.”

May grace come to us in this great time of need and release our nation from debilitating fear. And release us from such turmoil.  May grace never let go!

Written by Judy Cline 11/14/2016